Secrets

My standar[Em]d of secrets are second to none
There ar[C]e nazi’s who would not believe what I've done
 my secret[G]s are massive, I bet I've got more
I'm a secret machine I'[D]m a secrecy whore!
[Em]I ate your lasagna, I steal from the chemist
[C] I've never seen star wars, I text while I'm driving
[G]I don’t flush at parties, I dabble in arsine
[D] I love polystyrene I voted for Howard
[Em] I leave without paying I j-walk I litter
[C]I love mel and koshi I jerk off on twitter
[G] I don’t wear a helmet I wear womens shoes
[D] I slept with your grandma
I slept with my grandmothe[C]r too
but thes[G]e  are m[D]ere samples, common examples of everyday
Things tha[Em]t we keep locked a[C]way
[C] and deeper [G]within, there's a bag in t[D]he bin
of my soul[Em], a secret tha[C]t’s too big to say
 rise up [G]stand tall for t[D]he keeper of secrets will[Em] fall                     [C]
[C] I cry w[G]atching oprah I pose nude for playboy
[D] I trained with the Taliban I can't drive a manua[Em]l car
[C] I slap ugly children I [G]break wind on airplan[D]es
 I organize cockfights I piss in the sp[Em]a
[A] I rarely use condoms I[E] throw rocks at tra[D]ffic
[F#m]I spread salmonella
[A]I told my accountant I'm semi ret[E]ired
[D]I pay cash in hand coz my vis[F#m]as expired
[D]and secrets are like margarine,     [A]
[E] they're easy to spread but harder to clean   [F#m]
 off your pants and [D]once[A] that stain is seen
 [E]everyone knows I’ve been stickin my dick in the fridge![E]
What? No[A]thing. Secrets!