Im A Wanker

[D]My mother [G]said that [D]I never [G]should
[A]play with the naughty rude girls in the [D]wood.
Their giggling [G]talk I could [D]never unders[G]tand
and [A]that's when I fell in love with my right [D]hand

and that's why

I'm a [G]wanker, I'm a wanker
and it [C]does me good like it [G]bloody well should.
I'm a [G]wanker, I'm a wanker
and I'm [D]always pullin' my [G]pud!

I was [D]25 years [G]old bef[D]ore I was [G]kissed
and [A]then I found that I preferred a swift one off the [D]wrist
It's cheap and con[G]venient, you [D]can't catch [G]VD!
It's av[A]ailable at any time and it's absolutely [D]free!

and that's why

I'm a [G]wanker, I'm a wanker
and it [C]does me good like it [G]bloody well should.
I'm a [G]wanker, I'm a wanker
and I'm [D]always pullin' my [G]pud!

[G]Oh, Mrs. Palm and your [C]five lovely [G]daughters,
[C]thank you for [G]having me and [D]being oh so kind.
I've got [G]pains in my arms and my [C]donkey's getting [G]shorter.
[C]My knees have turned to [G]water and I [D]think I'm going [G]blind.

I've [D]wanked over [G]Italy, I've [D]wanked over [G]Spain
I've [A]wanked in an omnibus, I've even had a wank in a [D]train.
I've [D]used a [G]badger and a [D]melon and a [G]cat
[A]an inflateable Linda Lovelegs and a Davy Crockett [D]hat!

and that's why

I'm a [G]wanker, I'm a wanker
and it [C]does me good like it [G]bloody well should.
I'm a [G]wanker, I'm a wanker
and I'm [D]always pullin' my [G]pud!

[G]Oh, Mrs. Palm and your [C]five lovely [G]daughters,
[C]thank you for [G]having me and [D]being oh so kind.
I've got [G]pains in my arms and my [C]donkey's getting [G]shorter.
My [C]knees have turned to [G]water and I [D]think I'm going [G]blind.